Caught in an Emotional Squall
Snow Squall NYC 20 Kislev 5789 / Dec 18, 2019
BY SHULI KLEINMAN
https://madmimi.com/p/a656ef?pact=629037-155885083-11893112342-75e99989c19cefce01337d4e78242c4fc6effc45
Focus on Hashem for the week before Chanukah
The Arizal on parsha Vayigash tells us of three things that preceded creation…
stormy wind, which is wisdom
thick clouds which is darkness
flaming fires which is light.
Do you feel these viscerally in our emotions as we perceive and react?
Can we fathom the amazing illusory reality of free will and the feeling of independent existence that we naturally mistake with imaginations that build from our interpretations of these creations when we base them on our subjective experience and attachments formed at a young age?
Do we get caught in emotional storms, blocks and frightening anger and panic? Are we are mesmerized by our emotions because we are believing that we have some kind of independent existence? Does that false belief that we are in control and running things tell us that our ego which is now somehow at stake is generating these elements, when in fact we are experiencing a flow of elements from pre-creation seeking to be restored to Hashem’s Name, Yud K Vav K? And because it is now swirling around our egos and our meager limited mortal existence, do we believe and behave as though these reactions have to do with anyone else now or someone who lived, and that HE or SHE or someone is to blame?
We have been scammed
Torah tells us that all there is in the world is Hashem and Hashem gives us the Torah to live by. The Torah is the repair for this world. But we don’t naturally feel any repair from performance of it because we are mistaking our emotions as something to be dealt with in a sort of direct responsive fashion. And indeed, by following Torah, we will.
However, there is a layer below this that is crucial if we are to accomplish the repair using real free will and Torah and emunah.
That layer is the place of the alone, that next innermost layer closest to Him.
That place where we are willing to bring Hashem into the picture and recognize Him. EVEN when there is thick clouds blocking us, that our water, is causing darkness, that the vitality of our lives is trapped in circumstances and emtions. EVEN when we experience tumultuous emotions swirling within us, blowing us off course from Torah into the hands of our natural responses, instead of following the wisdom of Torah. EVEN when we are terrified, angry, pained, with fiery fury out of humiliation, insult, shame, blame, and the like, burning up our self-control so that we scorch the earth instead of bringing soft gentle light.
Ask Hashem from within these feelings for mercy so that the gap between the wisdom of our nature (daas sitras achra) and holy daas not only closes but that His Mercy grant that what I feel viscerally become His Will, through to my heart.
Miriam Yerushalmi teaches us about the oil of Chanukah.
Our wick is our body but the oil, and the reason we want pure oil, is to draw Hashem’s light deeply into our hearts. The wick gets consumed but the oil lengthens the time the light can shine. Imagine the light we could shine if the impurities – the toxic messages in our hearts- could become pure oil.
To be a channel for that, hold the paradox of the toxic waste messages without believing them in favor of ein od milvado and asking for His Mercy so that His Wisdom replaces it in our heart.
The gap closes!!! When we focus on asking for Hashem’s mercy, the left and right come together and there is compassion that is actually felt in the heart.
Here is a vulnerable share to help understand.
Someone intimidated me because I refused to do something for the person that was going to hurt the person even though she wanted it. She got very mad and because she was hurt she was hurtful. When I tried to explain, she sent me more requests trying to validate whether I cared or not, so I agreed to do two other things that were not hurtful to her. The way I measure my growth is by seeing that in offering, there was love in my heart. It is the love of Torah.
Torah says we do, ahavas Yisrael.
There is joy in keeping Torah.
It is our lifeline.
He is our heart
He is our Creator
He is existence
He is the Giver
We are the creation
We have no independent existence
We are here to process the raw elements and bring His Glow into the world with unconditional love.
When we have compassion upon Him, we awaken love in our hearts and we feel His love.
We ask for mercy to hollow out the vessel.
He fills it with holy daas.
We get more daas by nullifying the sense of independent existence through hisbodedus and use of real free will and emunah.
"Hashem i want to nullify the sense that I have of independent existence of You. I have so many distractions, Please have mercy on me and please may the shechina in exile within my emotions reveal Your compassion."
Just confessing this honors Hashem by recognizing He is existence and we have existence from Him, that we are a part of His Existence. The key is to hold every moment with this awareness - that is emunah.
Acting on it is bitachon. sincerity matters. If we feel we are just saying the words, then add,
"Hashem I feel that I am just saying the words but I sincerely will this even with the emotions that are blocking my sincerity. Please have mercy upon Your creation because I want to mean this."
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By taking time in hisbodedus, we begin to understand the forces within us and we begin to identify the inner struggle that is the point of being in this world. Without finding this inner struggle, we continue from childhood throughout life believing the messages that are "advising" us regarding feeling ourselves and acting for our own self-interest. For spiritual maturity to take place, inquiry into olam haba and the purpose of our lives in olam haze must begin.
Identityfor2020.com
Rectifying the ego from Rabbi Ginsburg based on Rav Asher Freund, given by Rabbi Moshe Genuth