Elul - Katveinu LChayim

KATVEINU LCHAIM

By Rochel Leah Weiman
Photos: Bat Ayin,
Elul 5783
Music: Ishai Ribo, Lev Sheli

For more info: kavconnect@gmail.com

MEDITATION ELUL
Dedicated to the refua sheleima of Maayan bat Devorah Hadassa

Let go of judgement
Bring in the light
Imagine yourself back in that place of trauma

Perhaps… in a birthing room

Breath
Imagine the light of Hashem there with you in the room
Ratzo
Imagine the light filling the room
He is there with you in your decision
I was created perfectly
With my mochin
Chochma bina and daas
And given what I need
To make the best decision
With what He is choosing to give me right now
I am not making the decision
He is doing everything
Giving me the best info cach v cach with what I need in the moment
I was created to do this
 
Imagine a big letter yud
In front of you
Imagine it coming closer and closer
Imagine a big blob of black
And as it gets closer
You begin to see sparkles
Like twinkling stars
Getting brighter and brights
Like a drop of fresh ink on a torah scroll
Shining with the light sparkling its little hill of black on the white page
Like a flash of light
In the pupil of an eye
 
Begin to notice in the black watery inkiness
That youre not just a blob
You have a crown
Feel the light coming in from the crown of the yud… coming in and filling the space
 
Feel the light in the blackness
Feel the borders of the letter yud
Not as a constrictions
But as borders protecting me
Like a womespace
Feel yourself in the wombspace of the yud
Feel warm and protected
Yud is the letter for the month of elul
Feel like the seed
Filled with potential
All the sparks are the DNA
By design
Created perfectly by the Master Craftsman

Feel yourself being re-created
at this moment with hitchadshut / newness
The ruach  of wisdom / chochma from within from your bones—
connect to the breath of the bones
hevlei d’garma (as sarah yehudit schneider teaches)

Feel the glimmers of the memory of your true self

Haneshama shenatat bi tahora hi
from the echoing of the womb space

Reverberating from Har Sinai
Hear the Kolot
What do you hear?
It is distinctly different from  what the other one heard and witnessed

What are your bones hearing
and witnessing now in the present
with their shelichut meyuchedet, specific mission
shine that knowing, that only YOU know

From your particular 42 masaaot, stops on your journey
shine that knowing (daat)
shine that light from the place of keter

Ani ldod vdodi li
Imagine the inside of your yud filling with light
You are being transformed to a drop of dew
You begin to shine more and more with the rising sun
A beacon of light in the virgin darkness
Sparkling on a vine
Brilliant
Imagine yourself in this protected space
Full of light
Imagine yourself emerging from the dew drop
Like a butterfly emerging from a cacoon
Stepping out with your right legw
 
And you look at the yud shaped tal
And thank it
And it floats away
Like a bubble floating in the sky
And it gets smaller and smaller
 
Stretch your wings
Open your arms wide and up
Receive the breath with hitchadshut
Thank Hashem for the opportunity to ratzo vshov
Feel the oxygen in my breath
 
Being born again from the dark seed
Emerging full of light and radiance
With wings to fly
No longer constricted in the blackness
 
Ata michyech oti
You are constantly giving me my lifeforce
You created that moment that circumstance for me to do this
Katveinu bchaim
What does it meat kotveinu
Write us
Write
With the wet dark ink on the white page
With a feather quill of a bird with wings to fly
Yesh lkanfei ruach
Katveinu
Feel the dark ink on the page
For without the darkness, obscuring the light
There would not be a perception of light
There would be no Torah
 
I am the torah scroll
Created with the black ink
The shadow sides
Which I choose to embrace
And enter and embody
Like the yud
Kotveinu bchaim
Life
A life of living with the ratzon lkabel
All the Brachos and pleasure
I was created to receive
 
Elul is the yud with the crown
Hashem is here
Ani ldodi vdodi li
 
The ratzon lkabel that we have in our nature
Was planted there
In order to fulfil Hashems purpose of giving us pleasure.
Which at the SAME TIME separates us from the One
What a paradox!
 
Just as physical things are separated from each other
Through distance in space
So ruchniys entities are separated from each other there shinui hatzura, difference of form, between them.
 
Drip drip drop
Receive receive receive
I receive your lifeforce in this darkness
My life form can no longer be retained
In this yud
Defining by the cacoon
My wings flutter
I am being created to give
Drip drip drop
I am being developed
 
Drops of daas for my tikkun
I receive
My wings flutter
I feel them withing the confines
I reach upwards
Peeking out through the top of the yud
If been created to give
 
My will relinquished to yours
I fall into the light
Thankful
For the embrace of your darkness
 
You have give me drips of darkness
I have never been without you in this process
Even when I thought I was making decision
I have been guided and receiving the drops of daas
That you have deemed that I need
I receive the drips of daas
In order to give
 
I choose right now to sit with this compassion
Elul 5784
And meet myself - all my partswith compassion
And all the recent pain

You were there
And you are here
 
teshuva
With much tenderness

 
In elul like a dance
The spousal relationship
Receiving affinity of form to give an affinity of form
All a part of the master plan of the master craftsman
Welcome the dance
Reciving the difference of form in order to give the difference of form
 
Embracing our difference and affinity of form
Creating space within elul
Creating the intention to grant space for the other
To exist without feeling the need to change them
Unconditional love
 
Loving me for who I am
As I was created perfectly
A glimpse into our affinity of form
And offering humble graditude
For the drip drop of daas
Given intravenously
As daas
As needed in this month of elul
 
Thank you for the healing tears
The drip drop
Of healing tears
Thank you for receiving your love your comfort
Nechama
In elul
 
But I had to reach out and go into the painful place
The darkness to find you in elul
I thank you so much, Tatty
For the gift of receiving this Torah (of Rav Ashlag, etc)
Its only you
 
The gift of me OPENING MY HEART
I had to reach out
Not be alone within my constriction of mind
You have given me the forsight to receive
Light from you
 
The light born from the darkness
That was waiting there for me
The light covered and waiting for me
In the darkness
 
I lift up my arms and reach out of the yud י
Up to the sun
Opening my arms to receive