This page should be an ongoing tribute to share all chessed projects and / or YOUR personal story of how Rav Yoel Tordjman added to your personal growth.

And, with your reishut HaKadosh Baruch Hu, may Rav Tordjman continue to inspire us all to grow in Ol Malchut Shamayim from Shamayim.

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WHATSAPP: +1 (214) 405-9025

Friday, May 5, 2023
I arrived late, very very late, to Tzfat. My magnanimous hostess greeted me at the bus stop with a heart melting
( I’m loved) smile and a tight hug, even though she waited over an hour on erev Shabbat. Who does that? Elevated Tzfatian’s do that!

This wasn’t a vacation or a simple visit to friends from home. This was, God willing where I hoped I would settle... For good! I therefore had a lot of baggage, the physical we both heaved off the bus, the emotional and physiological baggage, albeit heavier, was neatly hidden inside of me.

Walking uphill with all the above mentioned baggage I had two conversations going on at the same time. one with my dear friend, explaining where we were and names of streets, and another with Hashem “ I’m here, after all these years, I’m here, the time is finally right for me to be here. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

At some point that night I started to cry, not a little sniffle, but an uncontrolled heaving, many tissues blowing through each moment, howl. I don’t know what triggered it? Maybe it was the blue? The stones? The sound of kiddush from every window stacked, too closely, to the next window? The smells? I wasn’t sad yet the heaving and emergency tissue collecting continued.

Not that anyone responded with alarm to the big tears. I felt the need to apologize. At one point, I said to my hostess please ignore me and with a pfffff sound and flip of her wrist, she said something to the effect of “ I get it” or “ I did the same thing the first time I got here.” Grateful to let it flow through me I howled and blew.

Throughout the whole Shabbat, my host and hostess explained Tzfat to me. The areas, the culture, the Shuls, the special Seuda Shlishit experience and more.

I wanted to experience everything. I wanted it all. So when we stepped into the Tordjman home, towards the end of Shabbat, the Rav was standing at the entrance to the dining room greeting any and all guests

that came into his home. In his Bekeshe and Striemal and The Most Magnificent Smile.

He looked everyone in the eye with that unforgettable smile and welcome them personally when it was my turn, and he welcomed me as if I was important and a well known friend. The felt sense transported me back to the time I met Rav Carlabach face-to-face. He put his hands on my cheeks, looked me straight in the eyes and said I’m so excited to meet you. I want to meet every single Jew and now I get to meet you, Baruch HaShem.”

I was much younger than, but the importance of really seeing another has now been role modeled to me by two people. Just that greeting, a moment in time, would have been enough.

Of course, it wasn’t just me, he greeted everyone, however the tangible aura of this holy holy man touched an exposed nerve in my own personal soul.

The woman filed into one side of the room and sat at a beautifully laid table, folded with yummy delicacies and the men sat on the other side of the mechitza.

Over the three months I spent in Tzfat I regularly attended the third Shabbat meal at the Tordjman home. But on this first experience, I didn’t realize the meaning of what my hostess’s son-in-law said to me “ I’ve got you covered” Later, it became obvious that only 3 to 4 out of tens of people get a turn to pick two pictures for The Ravs public analysis. I didn’t realize how fortunate I was to get a turn this first time. Although my physical baggage was at their home, my emotional and psychological baggage, neatly hidden inside my body, did not like what I heard.

What I mean by this is I picked two of the most appealing pictures out of an album containing 613 pictures then handed the album over the Machtza to the son-in-law, who I now realize was responsible for running the decorum and much more instrumental than a newbie, like me. “ I’ve got you covered” literally meant I’ve got you covered to play, for lack of a better explanation of how this event works.

Once I pointed out my two picture selection, he in turn showed them to The Rav. Remember, The Rav has no clue who I am or what I look like. Neither have we ever exchanged any words besides a hello

To say I didn’t like what he had to say is an understatement because I keep planning my own life with expectations. I expected to move to Tzfat, reinvent myself and start a new life, not fix anything already broken. Slowly, the woman at the table started passing their napkins down in my direction as the heaving and blowing started again.

This is not verbatim, but it is imprinted on my baggage as follows:

“There are some people who go out into nature and see things that others don’t. I am one of those people and when I do go into nature and enter deep meditation and discussion with The Ribono Shel Olam I receive insights and then I paint. In each of the 613 paintings there is a fingerprint, so to say, of a specific meditation or insight. I don't explain any of these thoughts or experiences to anyone.

Each soul is attracted or repelled independently and according to their unique soul. When I paint the paintings it is without expectation of any outcome (later this would become a profound healer) And everything else goes into Hashem‘s hands and control. That is the definition of malchut. I create a thing, share it with love, and without expectation.

There is a prayer though, and this is where I hand over any expectation of outcome to Hashem. Outcome is not something I put my effort into. I trust and have faith that if my message is meant to be delivered, it will be to the right person at the right time without interference from me.

Take my wife for example, the food in front of you didn’t arrive there magically. She chose to get up, leave the house, go to the store and buy ingredients for an unknown amount of guests. Also turning to Hashem for guidance as to the correct amount of raw ingredients she should purchase. Then she brings them home, cleans them, chops them, assembles them, cooks them, with no idea of how many to cater for, sets the tables and cleans up after you’ve left. Malchut!! she created something out of nothing shared it with love and no expectation.

Now, whoever I’m talking to behind the Mechitza, you already know what I’m talking about. You see and receive insight in nature many others just don’t see. You have to share those. It's your purpose. you can’t give up. I’m not saying you have to manifest the outcome. However, it is your job to create the message and pray. Put it all in Hashem’s hands. No expectations. That’s what you must do!”

My baggage is SCREAMING. First of all, how does he know about my sensitivities? How could he be so 100% correct? How could he say I have a message to give, which I do by the way, but don’t want to. I just DON’T WANT TO.

What I want to do is evaporate and protect myself from people. So what if I have a message that might be helpful to others? Others hurt you. intimidate you. Reject you. Ignore you. Exploit you. Only you can protect yourself, not set yourself up for a proven track record of all the above. “Avoid pain at all costs” says my baggage. Then we bentch and leave.

Later that evening, I reflected on the AWEsome Felt sense to be greeted with that holy countenance. He didn’t reject me. Ignore me. Exploit me. Maybe I’ll think about it...

Over the next three months I chose to travel to the beach in Nahariya & pick up art supplies. I did create some art, while praying and talking to Hashem. In hindsight, only now do I realize that I did include Hashem in the action, but not entirely in the right way. There was plenty of gratitude, but that’s where it stopped. The Rav suggested more that I objectively did not do. I still had expectations of a specific outcome. I did not let go and let God and more importantly, by leaving that part out, I missed out on the most important part of the whole experience:

Accepting the yoke of Heaven, Ol Machut Shamayim.

Does this happen to you?
Every time you learn a new lesson you start off saying “I thought I was doing it correctly but then...”

I thought I was doing IT Correctly with continuous gratitude and hitbodedut. But then, much later, the penny dropped. I didn’t step back, let go and let Gd, I inserted myself into Hashem‘s roll with expectations of a certain outcome. Head slap I’m not the smartest cookie in the box and compulsively misunderstood the exact same heavenly message for the zillionth time. Stay out of Hashem's business. Which consequently fed an ongoing negativity bias. Look it up. It’s a real psychological issue.

This is my story of how Rav Tordjman flipped my narrative of myself to myself, of myself to Hashem, of myself to the world. Now, instead of creating art to selfishly, heal my heart. The intention is to share a message, a message gifted to me. The distinction: bring The Ribono Shel Olam into the outcome, step back with unconditional acceptance. No more inserting myself where I don’t belong. That’s AWE. That’s Ol Malchut Shamayim. Not easy but simple.

The Rav was 100% correct. I did have an insight (Hasaga) received in nature months before I arrived in Tzfat. I mentioned it to a few who told me I had a screw loose. Or rolled their eyeballs.

So here goes: 100% in The Rav’s merit
Yirah / Awe is NOT fear of heaven.

• Everyday we say: ראשית חכמה יראת שמים / The beginning of wisdom is the fear of heaven, is the most dangerous misnomer possibly unchallenged for over 3000 years.

• The majority of my baggage, and I would venture to say many others as well, is this terribly translated misnomer.

• “The beginning of wisdom is sea’ing Heaven” NOT fearing it!!!!! At this point of my life, I’m paralyzed with fear because of fear..

• However, at the beach I, personally, sea Hashem. I sea the abundance He yearns to give us if only we would sea it. I sea Him but only at the beach.

That’s the story of why I started making art out of beach. I take the beach with me wherever I go. When a narrative gets ugly or huge feelings distract and fragment me (usually triggered by fear) the beach art is used to bring back Yirah / Sea (sight). NOT FEAR.

It works! Each minuscule grain of sand that was once whole, and in some cases, alive, was thrashed and thrown and tossed and smashed and

ripped to pieces. I sea The Ribono Shel Olam in magnificent detailed abundance and remember His promise (in Parshat Va’yera, no less) to make us like the sands of the sea. We’re presently collectively experiencing our nation’s thrashing, smashing, tossing, and confusion that our prophets predicted. I have beach with me and practice seaing instead of fearing. This practice slowly and objectively opens up my eyes to see love.

“Sea” Heaven with your heart
to open your eyes to see love.
A bizarre paradox.

Feel free to roll your eyeballs at me too! However, this message would never have been elucidated publicly without The Rav speaking to no one in particular, based on 2 pictures I liked, behind a mechitza. It seems he knew the message gifted to me before I fully understood it myself.

I continue to create art out of beach. I talk to each grain, shell or rock and ask if they’d like to go live in someone’s home and be admired after all the trauma they’ve been through. I also carry The Rav’s radiant smile in my heart, as if he was my own Tatti giving me advice only a Tatti would give. I still struggle to stop there and let Hashem take over. But practice makes permanent. No expectations.

The news of ‘our’ dear Rav’s sudden passing is too devastating for words.

It seems unreasonable to include myself in: ‘our’ dear Rav but I’m choosing to include myself publicly. I do the same with Rav Carlebach who I met for seconds. I need them both so desperately.

Thank you to E for “I got you covered”.